A couple days ago I was talking to a friend of mine online. Like many of my friends back in the states, she has a lot of questions about my life in China and usually begins conversations by asking me how things are going here. When I first arrived in China in September, I was flattered by people’s interest and always pleased to answer their questions, but lately the shine has begun to wear off. In the midst of this particular conversation I suddenly realized why: this friend was asking me the exact same questions she had asked me the last time we talked only a few days before. In fact, the questions she was asking were the same questions I had been asked repeatedly by almost everyone I knew. “Well,” I thought to myself, “this explains why I’ve been so annoyed with everyone lately.”
Don’t get me wrong—being asked about China is usually great. I like that I have such a cool experience to talk about with other people and I ask my friends living abroad in other countries about their experiences all the time. But there are certain questions that you really only need to ask once—and some that are just stupid. So, because I have finals coming up and am in a particularly resentful mood, here is a list of the top 8 questions that I despise being asked about China. I apologize in advance to anyone who takes offense to this list for any reason; it is not intended to be personal.
1. “So what time is it there, anyway?”
The main reason this question annoys me is because it is usually asked by the same people over and over again. I will talk to someone on Friday and they will ask me what time it is, then say, “Wow! That’s a big time difference.” The next day I will bump into them online yet again, and the same question is raised. This cycle never really seems to stop. Come on, people. The world is not stretching in and out of time zones every few hours, and basic addition is not that hard.
Also under this category is the classic, “Whoa…it’s Friday here and it’s Saturday there. That’s so crazy!” You figured that out three months ago the first time we talked across time zones. Get over it.
2. “Why haven’t you sent me anything yet?”
Most people ask me this as a joke, but there are a few who have actually demanded that I mail them souvenirs—not just postcards, which is totally cool, but actual presents. First of all, mailing stuff to the U.S. is incredibly expensive when you’re making as little money as I am. Even my own family members aren’t receiving their holiday presents until I haul them out of my suitcase next year. Secondly, with the way the mail system works here anything I sent probably wouldn’t even reach you until after I returned home, anyway. Thirdly, why haven’t you sent me anything yet? Do you have any idea how many of my favorite everyday things I don’t get to have anymore? I’ll send you some jade or a box of moon cakes when you figure out how to send me a bagel shop.
As a side note: for all of you who have sent me stuff, you rock and will get a mammoth amount of China stuff when I get home next summer.
For any of you who have asked me the above question, however, don’t hold your breath.
3. “Are you dating anyone?”
Or, more often, “Have you hooked up with anyone?” (clearly the college mind does not die with the college experience). To be honest, this question irritated me even when I was living back home in the U.S. It’s a perfectly legitimate question (well, the first one is--the second one is none of your business), but for some reason it is the very first question that certain people always ask me. The level of importance that some people place on my relationship status, and just the fact that they are interested in the first place, astounds me. Who cares that I’m living abroad, working at an actual job, and experiencing a new culture? That isn’t worth talking about at all. What really matters is whether or not I wake up with someone else in my bed.
4. “So, nothing’s in English?” or, even worse, “So, everything’s in Chinese?”
Yes, people have actually asked me this. I don’t think I need to explain why it’s a stupid question.
5. “So, you actually have Internet out there?”
Really? All those stories in the news about the Great Firewall and this fact still surprises you? It's China, not the Stone Age.
6. “Have you stolen me a panda yet?”
You know who you are. Stop it.
7. Any professor or politician-worthy question about China.
I am happy to answer any questions about my own personal experiences in China. I can tell you what the program I am involved in is like, my general impressions of cities I’ve seen, and the kinds of food I’ve eaten. I cannot, however, recite the statistics from the population census of every city in the country, nor can I tell you why certain members of the government decided to do whatever it is they’ve decided to do that has pissed you off so much. I am also not a Chinese-English translation service. For some reason, certain of my friends believe that because I now live here I have the same amount of—or even more—knowledge about the country as someone born and raised here. Not only that, but when I fail to answer one of their questions they treat me like I’m a big fat ignoramus. Half of these questions are ones they probably couldn't even answer about their own country.
Come on, guys. I know you spend half of your time on Google, and it’s a much more reliable source than I am. Use it.
8. “How’s China?”
I know it’s kind of unfair to add this to the list because it’s really just a replacement for the usual “How are you?” I have my reasons, though. It mainly bugs me because of the amount of expectation it is loaded with. The conversation that follows this question usually goes something like this:
Friend: “How’s China?”
Me: “It’s good. You know, same old, same old.”
Friend: “What? Aren’t you traveling all over the place and meeting cool people and skydiving and stuff?”
Me: “Um…no. I have a job. So I pretty much stay in one place and go to work every day. Most of the time nothing very exciting happens.”
Friend: “What? That’s so boring! Why aren’t you doing anything more interesting?”
Me: “Well, like I said, I have a job…so…”
Friend: “But when you move abroad your life is supposed to be a remake of Eat, Pray, Love! Entertain me, dammit!”
Me: “Sorry…”
Friend: “You are such a disappointment.”
Okay, I might be exaggerating a little bit. When I actually get a chance to travel I am able to do and see some interesting things, but when you live and work abroad your life tends to fall into a dull routine pretty quickly. It gets tiring having all of your friends tell you how lame you are all the time.
So that’s it. I apologize for the rant, but now you all have a comprehensive list of what not to ask your friends (at least not more than a few times) when they are living abroad. Also, if I ever slip up and ask any of you these questions, you have a right to slap me. Pretty good deal, right?
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